Supernatural

[annundriel]

Wednesday's drive home.

I think I might have to start avoiding my flist on Thursdays for my own mental well-being. Being on the west coast sucks sometimes.

I'm not sure I actually have much of anything to say about tonight's episode of SPN. But since I started doing posts after each ep, I feel kind of compelled to. So. We'll see what happens. I lied! I had things to say. Whether or not they make any sense is another matter. I'm pretty sure they don't. I ramble.

Supernatural - "Dark Side of the Moon"

On the one hand, you've got Sam, whose happy Heaven memories are all about him leaving his family behind and finding independence and his own sense of self. On the other hand, you've got Dean, whose memories are all about the role he plays within the family. Brother, son, caretaker, babysitter, clean-upper-of-Dad's-messes, peacekeeper.

They're kind of two sides of one fucked up Winchester coin.

And, okay, soulmates. In a non-romantic sense.

This actually has me thinking of "Salvation" now. Oh, and "Dead Man's Blood." The latter was the first time I think I really recognized Dean as the peacekeeper of the family. Sam and John are arguing and Dean's the one stepping between trying to get them to stop. Then in "Salvation," Dean says, "The three of us, that’s all we have. And that’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together, man. Without you and Dad..."

There's an episode of Due South where Ray Kowalski asks, "You ever feel like you don't know who you are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that someone wasn't around you, then you wouldn't be you, or at least not the you that you think." I wonder sometimes whether Dean isn't a little like that. A lot like that. Dean needs his family because that's how he defines himself. Without them...who is he?

Meanwhile, Sam's not the one shackled to his family with responsibility (and guilt? wth, Zachariah, Dean's not the one Mary Winchester should be blaming) and love. Sam's the ball-and-chain. I can see John using Sam to keep Dean in line. "Don't do that, Dean. Take care of your brother."

Their situations are so similar and yet so different. Yup. One coin, two sides.

(Sam wants things he's never had. Dean wants to keep the things he's got.)

Anyway. Way to go, John Winchester. Bang up job you did raising your kids.

Also, realizing that the Winchester marriage is only perfect in retrospect makes some of the other things that have come to light - Heaven arranging it, for one - go down easier for me. People like to sugarcoat the past.

And then there is Castiel. I can see the Castiel at the end of tonight's episode becoming the Cas from "The End" pretty easily. You've taken away Heaven, you've told him God knows but won't do anything, you've told him they should back off. What else is he supposed to do? They can't kill Lucifer. He doesn't want Dean to say yes. He's got to be feeling pretty fucking ineffectual right now. Why not turn to drink and drugs and sex? If this is it and he's never getting back upstairs, why not throw himself into the mess of being human?

Christ on a cracker, that's cheery. Bleh. Of course, I'd like this Castiel to end up someplace better than that. I'm just saying, I can absolutely see how he gets from Point A to Point C. And why he stays with Dean. Dean is all Castiel has.

And Sam. Who I'm sure was about to ask Cas to join them. I think. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My heart breaks for Castiel. I seriously cannot get excited for these episodes anymore because of the gnawing ache in my chest that says nothing good will come of this.

Um. Other things. I'm not sure about this version of Heaven. But, yea, Ash! And Pamela, I guess. ::shrug:: I didn't care for how hard she was pushing "Say yes, Dean. Sure people will die, but they'll come here!" I liked Ash listening in on the angels.

The amulet. It really is all about absent fathers, isn't it? It was meant for John, but Sam gave it to Dean instead. Dean loaned it to Castiel so he could find his father. Castiel gave it back when it became clear that wasn't going to happen.

Dean trashes it.

After Sam says they're in this together. So not only is it an "Absent fathers. What douchebags" moment, it's also Dean throwing away that particular little bit of connection with Sam. I mean, it was a really big deal that he let Cas borrow it. And then to just throw it away like that?

Mom and I are sure Sam fished it out before following.

Speaking of my mom, after the conversation with Castiel on the TV, Mom turns to me and is all, "Did you catch that? They've got an ass full of angels."

"Yeah, I know he said something abou--Ooooh. Dirty."

This is why I'm still writing those Apocalypse, What Apocalypse? fics. There is enough angst on the show without me adding to it. Let me allude to the doom 'n gloom while the get it on outside a gas station or while taking a bath. Let me write porn.

Which is what I shall go do now.

Comments

[mulder200.livejournal.com]

Anyway. Way to go, John Winchester. Bang up job you did raising your kids.

For real. I thought it was quite telling how even Dean didn't have happy memories of him.

There's an episode of Due South where Ray Kowalski asks, "You ever feel like you don't know who you are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that someone wasn't around you, then you wouldn't be you, or at least not the you that you think." I wonder sometimes whether Dean isn't a little like that. A lot like that. Dean needs his family because that's how he defines himself. Without them...who is he?

It's funny you show that because I think this fic explores this idea nicely.

Hallelujah by bauble
http://bauble.livejournal.com/83825.html

And poor Cas! Talk about depressing. I am hoping that Cas's faith still keeps him going.

And yeah! Bring on the porn!

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

Ooh, thank you for the link! I'll have to go check that out.

I'm really hoping Cas can find something to keep him going. Or something else to put his faith in. Because to lose Heaven and to lose that faith in God...it's all just crushing him.

[mulder200.livejournal.com]

Oops! I meant to say that I hope Cas finds the will to move on and place his faith in Dean. There is a certain spoiler that tells me he does.

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

Ah ha! Cas has already at least put some of his faith in Dean. He did, after all, bust him out of that room at the end of "Lucifer Rising."

As much as I'm afraid of how the rest of the season will go, I'm looking forward to it. I want to know how this is all going to play out.

[mclachlan.livejournal.com]

I'm waiting for the fic that's gonna come out of this. ::pointed look::

When Cas first said "hell", I laughed and tittered like a 12-year old boy whose friend said "penis" in the middle of a 5th grade math lesson. Then when he said "sonuvabitch", I was incredibly sad. He was so devastated.

As for Pamela, I don't think that was her. At all. I think that was Zachariah being sneaky.

This was a whopper of an episode.

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

I'd give you a pointed look right back, only you're supposed to be working on BB. If I get inspiration from this episode, you can be assured I'll run with it.

Then when he said "sonuvabitch", I was incredibly sad. He was so devastated.

I hear ya. The first time we heard him swear on the series, and then the first time in this episode, it was like, hey! Dean's influence! Hee! But "sonuvabitch" was serious business. Not that Cas calling Raphael his bitch wasn't, but it also felt a little off to me. This, though, was like a punch to the gut. It felt natural that Cas should go there, that this wasn't even something he had to think about and was exactly the way to express his complete disappointment and devastation.

As for Pamela, I don't think that was her. At all. I think that was Zachariah being sneaky.

I kept thinking that and really hope that's what was going on. marynyu's got a great theory a couple of comments down.

[lattimore.livejournal.com]

I agree so much that this shows how Castiel ends up the way he does in 5.04. What a way to be introduced to the powerlessness of his position - he's now more on the side of humanity than not, since he can't access his powers and his Grace is fading. And now he doesn't even have the solace of his faith.

There is enough angst on the show without me adding to it.

As a reader, that's why I've now begun to avoid all fic related to 5.04. The guys are tormented enough that I've hit a satiation point - angst is fine, but the bleakness of 5.04 now seems so plausible that I don't want to keep revisiting it.

And lol your mom pointing out the "assful of angels" line, how did I miss that one?

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

All Castiel has anymore is the Winchesters, and they're falling apart themselves.

This show is going to kill me.

...but the bleakness of 5.04 now seems so plausible that I don't want to keep revisiting it.

That's exactly how I feel. The show has gone there. The show is apparently going there. I want my fic to be an escape. Every now and then, I'll go for angst. I enjoy a good cry. But I also love to see the guys happy. (Dean's first memory with Sam? The smile on his face? Ooh, boys.)

Dean was clearly speaking from experience. (Unless we heard wrong.) Bless my mom for picking up the important parts of the conversations when I fall down on the job.

[wolfrider89.livejournal.com]

Just finished the episode like three minutes ago. (Being in Sweden sucks even more that being on the west coast;)) Then I went and read what you had to say about it, and I couldn't agree more. On just about everything.
Man, now I'm depressed.
I totally agree with you, there is more than enough angst on the show, no need to add more in the fics. Which is one of the reasons I love your writing.
I'll just go and cry now.

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

Being in Sweden sucks even more that being on the west coast;)

Yeah, out-of-country beats last time zone in the land of TV shows.

Don't cry! Think instead of...Sam and Dean taking off after the episode only to have Cas appear in the backseat with a "Let's get to work" attitude. 'cause they are badass and don't give up.

Or! Cas covered in limp bubbles after a bath! Dean getting a towel and drying him off, pressing open-mouth kisses to each patch of newly dry skin.

Y'know. Non-depressing things. Because something has got to balance this show out. :)

[wolfrider89.livejournal.com]

Yeah, out-of-country beats last time zone in the land of TV shows
Yay, I win! Wait...

Cas covered in limp bubbles after a bath! Dean getting a towel and drying him off, pressing open-mouth kisses to each patch of newly dry skin.
That actually makes me feel better. :)
Because something has got to balance this show out.
Couldn't agree more. Thanks for providing balance. :)

[marynyu.livejournal.com]

And then there is Castiel. I can see the Castiel at the end of tonight's episode becoming the Cas from "The End" pretty easily.

Oh.... yes. I hadn't seen that till now, but yes. Ouch...

As for heaven and Pamela and Dean.... let me copypasta a comment I left on someone elses raction post:

I think Zachariah was manipulating their heaven the ENTIRE TIME they were up there. He chose the memories the boys would first land into, and Dean's first memory is of Sam, while Sam's first memory is of the Jones's. Then they get together, and EVERY SINGLE MEMORY of Dean's after that is only of his mom. No Sams aloud. And it's also one of the few kinds of memories Sam can't share into because he HAS no memory of his mom. So THAT was meant to hurt Sam. And then, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY of Sam's is of a life John and Dean free??..... C'MON!!

Also, I really hope that WAS Ash we saw, but I'm not so sure. And I'm almost certain that WASN'T Pamela Barnes with them. The way she talked to Dean?? Pamela hated the angel's guts!! I think that little speech was Zach's message to Dean. And Fake-Mary's speech?? FAKE MARY'S SPEECH??!!!! That's JUST what was needed for Dean to brake that last bit he still had whole. Really. Even if he knows it's not his actual mother, part of him will believe it was telling the truth, all of it, and that part of him is gonna kill Dean.

Ergo Dean throwing the amulet away. He just gave up. Hey, if even God is telling you he's done, I think he deserves a dramatic exit. Poor boy.

....assful of angels.... *giggles like mad* Hoo boy.

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

I love what you're thinking! You're right, Zachariah could very easily have been manipulating the whole thing (I had suspicions about Pamela) from the beginning. Especially because each memory seemed specifically designed to divide Dean and Sam and make them feel alone. (And betrayed, in Dean's case.)

Even if he knows it's not his actual mother, part of him will believe it was telling the truth, all of it, and that part of him is gonna kill Dean.

Totally. As much as Dean may deny it if you called him on it, he is way too susceptible to the things other people say to him. He knows that wasn't really his mother, but that will eat at him anyway. Because he already has those issues of self-worth. Or lack of self-worth.

[rui-31.livejournal.com]

I don't have much too add from what everyone else has said. The first memory almost made me cry just because it seemed to be a reminder for why Dean does what he does for Sam, because he can be cute and appreciative and what not. The rest...Sam being a bit egocentric, but it's hard to blame Sam since he doesn't have "sandwiches with no crust" memories. And seriously Zachariah? Dean's Mom? That was just soo bad, on sooo many levels but it at least showed that angels do have some...sexual interests? (can it be called that? He did say MILF....)
AND OMG CAS!!! I was like 'Noooooooo, Dean stop staring and say something!!!' but of course he won't say anything.
And stop with your doomsday premonitions about Dean/Sam/Cas, it's giving me the chills because I'm starting to believe.
God...as Cas put it "You son of a bitch". I know the SPN writers are following the Bible and all that jazz but seriously? "Stop bothering me with your pesky Apocalypse problems"
All I have to say is that Sam had better picked that amulet out of the trash and they had better go find God and rip him a new one. If not for themselves or for the Apocalypse then for Cas, cuz...at that moment...it was like seeing a younger sibling lose complete faith and trust in someone they love.

Kay, now I'm going to stop and watch Ugly Betty because I'm getting depressed and not even a Dean/Cas fic is making me happy.
Oh yeah!!! I loved bubble bath btw.

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

Dean's first memory made me teary, too. I mean, we never get to see Dean that happy. Ever. I don't think we really ever forget how much he loves Sam, but I think lately that's been harder to see with how unhappy and stressed and disappointed they all are. But once upon a time, things were better.

And seriously Zachariah? Dean's Mom? That was just soo bad, on sooo many levels but it at least showed that angels do have some...sexual interests? (can it be called that? He did say MILF....)

omg, Zachariah and Mary were disturbing! ::shudder:: And, yeah, I think we can say there's sexual interest with angels. Before we knew the Trickster was Gabriel we saw him with women. I like to think Castiel was just...too interested in other things to think about it much.

'Noooooooo, Dean stop staring and say something!!!'

Me, too! I really felt like he wanted to. Either say something or reach out, offer some sort of comfort. But what can he say? While their situations are really similar (both disillusioned about their fathers), what can you do? Especially when you're Dean and you're kind of emotionally stunted.

Oh yeah!!! I loved bubble bath btw.

Yea! That makes me happy! :D