SGA Word Experiment
Dec. 11th, 2006 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annundrielSo I wrote this about a month or so ago. Because I'm pretty much awful at finishing anything with any length, I've been experimenting with ways to limit my word count and set goals for myself. This was one of them. It's several short sections with the first one numbering 10 sentences of 10 words each and the second section number 9 sentences of 9 words. This countdown continues all the way down to the end.
I've already had a couple of people read it and so now I figure, hey, might as well put it out there to be read. It's not my first fanfiction I've posted, but it's the first Stargate Atlantis one (posted that is), though not my first written. (And I think my Sheppard-voice is better in some of my others.) It's slash (Sheppard/McKay) and takes place during "The Return, Part 1." Just recently tentatively titled, "To the Point," because I am crap with names but figured I should give it one.
To the Point
**********
John goes home to an empty apartment and misses Atlantis.
The apartment’s nice, but it’s too loud and too quiet.
Atlantis had been the perfect mix of sound humming underneath.
John turns on the television and pretends that it helps.
The lights glare in the kitchen when he orders take-out.
Waiting, he thinks about Elizabeth and her now familiar voice-mail.
John can understand why she won’t answer his phone calls.
He understands, but that doesn’t mean he appreciates her silence.
Once the food gets there he will call Rodney instead.
Rodney always answers his phone calls, no matter what time.
*********
He answers the phone sounding annoyed and very Rodney.
John grins into the phone at his tone, satisfied.
Rodney is always predictably himself; that will never change.
The edge leaves his voice when John drawls, “Hey.”
Rodney breathes a sigh of relief and sounds tired.
John knows he worries though he’d never admit it.
It’s tough for both of them, being separated, apart.
At least John knows Rodney’s lab is mostly safe.
Rodney’s left wondering about John’s location in the galaxy.
********
During these calls, Rodney talks about his assistants.
They frighten him more than the Wraith sometimes.
He tells John they always bring him coffee.
“They don’t question me,” he says, clearly puzzled.
Rodney had always wanted compliant assistants before Atlantis.
John smiles, says, “Admit it, you miss Zelenka.”
Rodney’s quiet before admitting, yes, he misses things.
They’re not talking about Zelenka now, John knows.
*******
“Colonel?” Rodney ventures when John doesn’t answer.
He still hasn’t used John’s first name.
John wishes he would say it sometime.
Finally speaking, “I miss it too, Rodney.”
He misses more than it, than Atlantis.
He’s tired of hiding how he feels.
“Rodney,” John says, wanting him to know.
******
He pauses, hears Rodney breathing softly.
“You’re only a phone call away.”
“Yeah?” Rodney asks, waiting for him.
Heart pounding, John goes for it.
“Hearing your voice makes it easier.
I miss Atlantis less with you.”
*****
The phone line is quiet.
John waits, worried, breath held.
Finally he hears Rodney exhale.
“I know what you mean.”
They’ve got each other here.
****
John can’t have Atlantis.
He shouldn’t have Rodney.
They both deserve something.
The other is enough.
***
“You should visit.”
“Really?” Rodney asks.
John means it.
**
“Sheppard, I—”
“Come visit?”
*
“Yes.”
I've already had a couple of people read it and so now I figure, hey, might as well put it out there to be read. It's not my first fanfiction I've posted, but it's the first Stargate Atlantis one (posted that is), though not my first written. (And I think my Sheppard-voice is better in some of my others.) It's slash (Sheppard/McKay) and takes place during "The Return, Part 1." Just recently tentatively titled, "To the Point," because I am crap with names but figured I should give it one.
To the Point
**********
John goes home to an empty apartment and misses Atlantis.
The apartment’s nice, but it’s too loud and too quiet.
Atlantis had been the perfect mix of sound humming underneath.
John turns on the television and pretends that it helps.
The lights glare in the kitchen when he orders take-out.
Waiting, he thinks about Elizabeth and her now familiar voice-mail.
John can understand why she won’t answer his phone calls.
He understands, but that doesn’t mean he appreciates her silence.
Once the food gets there he will call Rodney instead.
Rodney always answers his phone calls, no matter what time.
*********
He answers the phone sounding annoyed and very Rodney.
John grins into the phone at his tone, satisfied.
Rodney is always predictably himself; that will never change.
The edge leaves his voice when John drawls, “Hey.”
Rodney breathes a sigh of relief and sounds tired.
John knows he worries though he’d never admit it.
It’s tough for both of them, being separated, apart.
At least John knows Rodney’s lab is mostly safe.
Rodney’s left wondering about John’s location in the galaxy.
********
During these calls, Rodney talks about his assistants.
They frighten him more than the Wraith sometimes.
He tells John they always bring him coffee.
“They don’t question me,” he says, clearly puzzled.
Rodney had always wanted compliant assistants before Atlantis.
John smiles, says, “Admit it, you miss Zelenka.”
Rodney’s quiet before admitting, yes, he misses things.
They’re not talking about Zelenka now, John knows.
*******
“Colonel?” Rodney ventures when John doesn’t answer.
He still hasn’t used John’s first name.
John wishes he would say it sometime.
Finally speaking, “I miss it too, Rodney.”
He misses more than it, than Atlantis.
He’s tired of hiding how he feels.
“Rodney,” John says, wanting him to know.
******
He pauses, hears Rodney breathing softly.
“You’re only a phone call away.”
“Yeah?” Rodney asks, waiting for him.
Heart pounding, John goes for it.
“Hearing your voice makes it easier.
I miss Atlantis less with you.”
*****
The phone line is quiet.
John waits, worried, breath held.
Finally he hears Rodney exhale.
“I know what you mean.”
They’ve got each other here.
****
John can’t have Atlantis.
He shouldn’t have Rodney.
They both deserve something.
The other is enough.
***
“You should visit.”
“Really?” Rodney asks.
John means it.
**
“Sheppard, I—”
“Come visit?”
*
“Yes.”
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-12 06:07 am (UTC)I'm really glad that you decided to post this. Reading thru it again, I realized that I probably read it wrong the first time. The first time I read it, I kind of saw it as being a series of telephone conversations between John and Rodney, but now that I've reread, I see that it probably is the same conversation. But I think that it works either way.
I really like this piece, and I'm adding it to my favorites!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-12 06:08 pm (UTC)I know I've only seen one episode but I really liked it. I like the style its written in. I wish I could say something smart and englishy, but all I can say is I enjoyed it and it was very well-written.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-12 09:42 pm (UTC)Also, "Chariots Rise" just makes me think of Secretary. I love that movie!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-13 07:10 am (UTC)It is supposed to be one conversation. I guess the breaks could make that confusing, but I needed something, for my own sake, to break up the sections.
Thank you! I'm really glad you like it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-13 07:13 am (UTC)Thank you! It's really just enough to know you enjoyed it. And you'll just have to come over and watch some more episodes. Of this and of SG-1.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-13 07:18 am (UTC)The restriction thing was a lot of fun to do. Not only is it challenging, it also gives me a smaller area to work in and makes things feel less scary. And I particularly love this particular restriction. I think it would be very interesting to work to a single-word, intense climax and just stop there. Because everything comes down to a point.
I pretty much bought Lizzie West's CD for "Chariots Rise" and because of Secretary, which I also love. Though, interestingly enough, the lyrics are slightly changed in the movie.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-15 06:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-15 06:12 pm (UTC)