Life's not a song

[annundriel]

Cut because no one actually cares.

This has been the worst possible week. I’ve been stressed and depressed and frustrated. Something has changed. And maybe this is just a phase I’m going through, but it feels more permanent somehow. I feel like everyone has left me, no one cares. These people who are my friends make me feel like I’m being used. I’m always there for them; I’ll always be there for them. But I need them to be there for me too.

And I suppose they are. I know they are. But it doesn’t feel like it. At lunch I’m not really noticed until I actually break down. Or get up and leave. The past couple of days I think I’ve left in or near tears. I hate the tears. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the way it makes other people look at me. I hate it. And it’s a feeling that never quite goes away. This feeling of being unwanted and unneeded makes me feel so trapped. It’s like that feeling that you get in your throat when you’re holding back tears except it’s all over.

All I want is for this to stop, to feel better about myself. I could sit here and blame people, but I won’t. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I shouldn’t have to have my happiness depend on other people. But when I feel this way I can’t help be upset that it’s because of other people. And I can’t help resenting myself more for being hurt.

And isn’t it funny that today when lunch began I thought Jessica was a bitch and by the end of lunch she was the only person to find me, sit down with me, and force me to talk because she’d noticed something was wrong earlier.

Thank you, Jessica.

Comments

[sdrohc-ratiug.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* it may well be a phase, if so i've gone/am going through it off and on as well, i think i know how you feel.

but i tell ya, i for one sure have been missing being around you, we used to be so close, what's up with that? i guess we both just have our things and are busy and all, and that's understandable..

But I really value you as a person and as a friend, and I'm *nearly* always here to talk to or hang out with or anything =) I don't like to see my friends feeling down, I feel like i could be doing something to prevent it..

I'm here for you, I really am, for anything =)

*hugs*

luv ya,
-dahlia

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we haven't seen each other in awhile. We've grown apart. Which is OK. It's sad, but it happens. We all grow and change and don't get to see each other like we used to because we get involved with other things. It sucks, but that's life. *hugs*

I think part of my problem is that I need to get out of here. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have grown up anywhere else for anything. I love my home, my school, my friends, my family, everything. But I think it's time for me to move on and know new things even if I'm scared silly about actually doing it.

Anyway, this probably could have been prevented by myself. I'm feeling a little more optimistic at the moment and I will get through this.

Thanks, Dahlia. I appreciate it. *hugs*

[ginnith.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. I know I'm part of the problem, and I don't know how to fix it. I love you Mar! I don't care about the stupid movies. It isn't the same to watch them without you. And I read your books because I trust your opinion when you say that they're good. And I get your advice because I respect you and think that you'll know the best answer/solution. If I use you, it's because I value you as my best friend who knows and understands me better than anyone else in the world. I hope I'm even half that to you, because without you, I would be in an HP-less, LotR-less...virtually JA-less world, and not nearly as happy as you make me. I feel priveledged that you even share so much with me. I'm sorry. (((((MAR)))))

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

I e-mailed you a reply to this. It was slightly more personal (read: almost made me cry) than I wanted floating about.

Love you (((Neesh)))

[(Anonymous)]

Mary, you are a great friend. I love you. I am here for you, all of your real (Jessica does not equal a real friend) friends are here for you. I hope that you can someday see that. I hope you can someday see that we always have been and that maybe sometimes it is you who distances yourself from us. What are we to do? You never tell us what is wrong, so all we can do is worry and not know. We love you and care a lot about you. We are here. And always will be.

With Love,
Amanda

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

See, the thing is I know all of my real friends are there for me (and Jessica doesn't count 'cause I still pretty much think of her with a mean name attached). Deep down I do know that. But haven't you ever gone through something and felt completely alone even when you're surrounded by your friends? And I've said before that this is my own fault. I only distance myself because I know everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to burden anyone with mine.

Love you too.

[childeofloki.livejournal.com]

Cut because no one cares?
Do you think so little of yourself, my friend?
I care, and so I read. However, I am possibly one of the worst people there are at comforting, offering condolences, or even good advice...
All I can say is, "I care".

[annundriel.livejournal.com]

I see now the error of my ways. Thank you for your kind words.

Long time no "see". I hope you are well?

Re:

[childeofloki.livejournal.com]

As best as can be expected, I suppose.
Thank you for asking.