annundriel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
annundriel) wrote2003-04-25 07:08 pm
annundriel) wrote2003-04-25 07:08 pm
Entry tags:
Life's not a song
Cut because no one actually cares.
This has been the worst possible week. I’ve been stressed and depressed and frustrated. Something has changed. And maybe this is just a phase I’m going through, but it feels more permanent somehow. I feel like everyone has left me, no one cares. These people who are my friends make me feel like I’m being used. I’m always there for them; I’ll always be there for them. But I need them to be there for me too.
And I suppose they are. I know they are. But it doesn’t feel like it. At lunch I’m not really noticed until I actually break down. Or get up and leave. The past couple of days I think I’ve left in or near tears. I hate the tears. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the way it makes other people look at me. I hate it. And it’s a feeling that never quite goes away. This feeling of being unwanted and unneeded makes me feel so trapped. It’s like that feeling that you get in your throat when you’re holding back tears except it’s all over.
All I want is for this to stop, to feel better about myself. I could sit here and blame people, but I won’t. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I shouldn’t have to have my happiness depend on other people. But when I feel this way I can’t help be upset that it’s because of other people. And I can’t help resenting myself more for being hurt.
And isn’t it funny that today when lunch began I thought Jessica was a bitch and by the end of lunch she was the only person to find me, sit down with me, and force me to talk because she’d noticed something was wrong earlier.
Thank you, Jessica.
This has been the worst possible week. I’ve been stressed and depressed and frustrated. Something has changed. And maybe this is just a phase I’m going through, but it feels more permanent somehow. I feel like everyone has left me, no one cares. These people who are my friends make me feel like I’m being used. I’m always there for them; I’ll always be there for them. But I need them to be there for me too.
And I suppose they are. I know they are. But it doesn’t feel like it. At lunch I’m not really noticed until I actually break down. Or get up and leave. The past couple of days I think I’ve left in or near tears. I hate the tears. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the way it makes other people look at me. I hate it. And it’s a feeling that never quite goes away. This feeling of being unwanted and unneeded makes me feel so trapped. It’s like that feeling that you get in your throat when you’re holding back tears except it’s all over.
All I want is for this to stop, to feel better about myself. I could sit here and blame people, but I won’t. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I shouldn’t have to have my happiness depend on other people. But when I feel this way I can’t help be upset that it’s because of other people. And I can’t help resenting myself more for being hurt.
And isn’t it funny that today when lunch began I thought Jessica was a bitch and by the end of lunch she was the only person to find me, sit down with me, and force me to talk because she’d noticed something was wrong earlier.
Thank you, Jessica.
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Love you (((Neesh)))