annundriel: ([spn] Every Bended Knee)
[personal profile] annundriel
Catalyst
PG
645
Coda for 7.17. Emmanuel!Cas/Dean
He needs to know.


Emmanuel didn’t dream because he didn’t need to sleep, but there were moments when—awake in the dark, the world quiet around him—he’d have… Well, he’d wonder sometimes if they were visions and know, deep down, that they were memories. The green eyes floating behind his eyelids, looking at him with such faith, such accusation, were part of before, not the invention of his fractured mind. He didn’t know who they belonged to, though, or why they were there, why they left him feeling hollow deep in his chest, like something vital was missing. His fingers would find the delicate skin of his wrist in the dark and he’d check for a pulse, making sure that his heart hadn’t suddenly gone missing.

Sitting in the dark, in the front seat of this stranger’s car—this stranger who feels familiar like déjà vu—Emmanuel surreptitiously folds his hands together in his lap before pressing his fingertips to his wrist. His heart rate is up, faster than usual, and Emmanuel isn’t sure if it’s the ride in the dark with a dangerous man beside him or if it’s the fact that his eyes, Dean’s eyes, and his face and his voice pull at something deep within him. His plea for help had stirred instincts Emmanuel hadn’t known he possessed, more urgent than the need to protect Daphne. It frightened him, deep down.

That’s why he had to go. Not only because Dean needed help, but because something had happened on his front porch that had nothing to do with that demon; Emmanuel needed to know. And Dean needed help.

So he sits in the dark, counting the beats of his heart, the steady thrum somehow in time with the susurration of wheels on asphalt, somehow in tune with the universe. He glances across the front seat at Dean, his mouth a thin, set line, his eyes straight forward, and there is something…there is… Something is missing here, Emmanuel can feel it, but his hands are too full of his own beating heart for him to put his finger on it. Dean holds an answer to his past. It’s apparent in the way Dean looks at him, gaze lingering in the dim light of the car. His glass-green eyes wouldn’t grab at Emmanuel so strongly, so completely if he didn’t know something, if their lives hadn’t been connected in some way, at some time. They wouldn’t dredge up those feelings that fill his sleepless nights, the ones that whisper something’s wrong with every thump of his forgetful heart.

Cas. There was a man named Cas and he hurt Dean and Emmanuel has no idea why his pulse jumps at that name. It’s unusual—as unusual as his own newly given one—but it’s also familiar. Dean imbues the single syllable with such feeling, such meaning for so few letters, and Emmanuel knows that there is more to their relationship than what was on the surface. Feelings must run like veins of gold in a mine, threading themselves through bedrock, rooting deep for the hurt to be that complete.

Dean says that name and Emmanuel stares out the window, watches the painted yellow lines down the center of the road appear in the headlights only to disappear again in the dark. How far Cas must have fallen to put them both where they are now, Dean unable to shake off whatever Cas did, unable to forgive, and Emmanuel in the dark, trusted to pick up the pieces. There’s a hurt here that Emmanuel wishes he could reach out and smooth away, but he can’t. Something stays his hands, keeps them tucked together in the dark on his own side of the car, his pulse tripping.

Emmanuel’s heart beats and, in the long silences that fall between them, he thinks he can hear Dean’s heart struggling to catch up.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-26 11:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] writingpathways.livejournal.com
ooooh love it.... great last line.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-08 06:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-26 11:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ember-firedrake.livejournal.com
Even without context this is beautiful. I love the way you have with words, I feel like emotions are being coaxed out of me. <333

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh gosh. You don't know how much this comment means to me. <333 Thank you, bb, I'm so happy you enjoyed it.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spacefragments.livejournal.com
this is lovely, bb. how weird it must be for emmanuel to suddenly be aware of all this familiarity, when he'd never felt anything like it since he's had memory.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 05:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you so much, bb. <3 I'm really fascinated by Emmanuel and what his life must have been like for that brief period of time. Oh, and whether or not now, with his memory back, Castiel ever looks back and misses it...

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dark-cygnet.livejournal.com
How far Cas must have fallen to put them both where they are now, Dean unable to shake off whatever Cas did, unable to forgive, and Emmanuel in the dark, trusted to pick up the pieces. Oh God.

Emmanuel’s heart beats and, in the long silences that fall between them, he thinks he can hear Dean’s heart struggling to catch up. Dammit, crying here AGAIN! Will it never end? Your stories always make me feel so much.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 05:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, bb. <333 ::sends tissues::

I'm sorry I made you cry, but I'm also very pleased you liked it and that it worked for you. Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 08:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] obstinatrix.livejournal.com
Cas. There was a man named Cas and he hurt Dean and Emmanuel has no idea why his pulse jumps at that name

Beautiful. I love the last line as well. I could basically read reams about Emmanuel; I'm fascinated by the idea of the amnesiac personality developing as something similar to, but somehow removed from, the poor broken guilty person Cas had become.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 06:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh god, me too. I find myself wanting all the Emmanuel things. There's something about him--and his storyline--that intrigues me.

Thank you so much, bb. I'm so happy that you enjoyed it. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 11:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xarixian.livejournal.com
Oh man, this is fucking beautiful.

I love the way you write, there's so much feeling here that happens in so short a space of time, so much beautiful imagery.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 06:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
::blush:: Thank you so very much. I'm very happy you enjoyed it and that you enjoy my writing. It means a lot to me. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 11:10 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Ugh, you are awesome... Love love love!!!! On the metro so sorry for the sparse comment, but I love it.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] akadougal.livejournal.com
Oh yes.

Basically that's it. *worships you a little*

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 06:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh gosh, you are very lovely. I don't know if I deserve that. <333 Thank you, bb.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 05:31 pm (UTC)
ext_11786: (Default)
From: [identity profile] dotfic.livejournal.com
That is gorgeous, so good to have Emmanuel's pov in that scene, how he feels pulled to and linked to Dean but doesn't understand it yet.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-10 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
I love the idea of Emmanuel. And speculating on what may have been going on in his mind at the time. Some day I may even finish my coda for Dean and these scenes. It was just such an interesting way to diffuse some of the tension between them.

I'm so happy you liked this. Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-28 10:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tiptoe39.livejournal.com
ok, i'm re-commenting because this deserves more than my LOLITSAWESOMEANDI'MONTHEMETRO. There's something so quietly desperate about this, that magnetism that you do so well and it's subtler this time than when it's physical magnetism, but no less urgent.

Your use of descriptive language in this is to die for, and I want your eye for metaphor so much. "thrum" and "susurration" together and the sound is in my head, echoing through the words like a background track. And feelings like veins of gold in a mine, bringing together something precious and something physical (veins in a single phrase... these are things to die for, they are so beautiful.

You've outdone yourself. Absolutely beautiful.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-05-04 02:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
::blushes:: Oh gosh, bb, you're too lovely. Thank you.

"thrum" and "susurration" together and the sound is in my head, echoing through the words like a background track.

I love that you said this because now I'm sitting here remembering it all and what it's like to sit in a car in the dark, mile posts passing, nothing but the sound of the road around you. ("susurration" is one of my favorite words to use, hee.)

Again, thank you so much, bb. I'm so happy that you liked it. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-02 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cautionzombies.livejournal.com
This is really lovely. Once again, one of the things that gets me is your pacing. The flow of this, from one paragraph to the next, is effortless. It's an interesting look at Emmanuel, who we, of course, know as Cas, but he obviously doesn't. Seeing the inner clicks of his clock shed a lot of light, to me, on Cas' subconscious.

There was a man named Cas

Something about this really got to me. I think it's the construction of the beginning of this sentence, but A Man Named Cas is pinging in my brain, over and over. And I can see Dean thinking of him that way, too--There was a man named Cas, as if that's the start to his story, and the end of it too.

Beautiful job, bb. As always.
Edited Date: 2012-04-02 02:54 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-05-06 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
There was a man named Cas, as if that's the start to his story, and the end of it too.

This breaks my heart. Because that's the long and short of it, isn't it? There was a man named Cas, and with him came the beginning and the end and so many unexpected things in between.

Thank you, bb. I'm so happy that you liked it.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-03 03:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] harper47.livejournal.com
Really beautiful and haunting. I love the way you use words to paint the background of this scene.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-05-06 11:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you. I really wanted to create a certain feel with this, and I think I got it.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-04-03 06:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] squeemonster.livejournal.com
Wow. So very gorgeous. I love the thought that even without all those memories and shared past, Emmanuel/Cas is still drawn to Dean, still can't ever refuse him.

<333

(no subject)

Date: 2012-05-06 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Dean's in his very makeup now, in his soul if he had one. Ever since that moment in Hell when Castiel gripped him tight...I think he'd recognize him on some level no matter what.

So happy that you liked it. Thank you.

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