annundriel: ([spn] Rip Away the Skin; Burn My Heart)
[personal profile] annundriel
one more look at the ghost
PG
500
Spoilers for season seven.
Second person POV. Angst. Gen, though Dean/Castiel is implied.
You see him everywhere.

The beginning of this came to me in the shower a couple of days ago and then wouldn't let me go. Many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] obstinatrix for putting up with me in chat.


You see him everywhere. The dirty tan overcoats of strangers on street corners become a silhouette you know well, their dark heads confusing you for one beat, two, until you realize that surely this is impossible. The coat you’re thinking of is folded in the trunk of your car of the day, tucked carefully beside salt and shotguns. It’s the bright, shining silver of knives that catch your eye every time you go back there. That’s what makes you linger, not the creases of coat that looks so small without the angel to fill it.

There was no body. You don’t know if this is important, but you hold onto it. You hold on to the fact that no body means no wings and no wings means no scorch marks and no scorch marks means…well. It doesn’t bear thinking about, so you don’t. You drink until the world’s sharp edges are blunted and the level of caring you have is so near nil that you can go through the motions, get through the day, and even when your brother looks at you with wide, concerned eyes you just turn up the volume on your telenovela until the only language in your head is Spanish and everything else is background noise.

You sit in diners along pot-holed highways drinking coffee that tastes like burnt ass and pie that tastes like Heaven. You dress yourself in a suit and tie and pretend you’re someone else on dozens of front steps and crime scenes, stepping over ABC blocks sticky with syrup and tumbled chairs sticky with blood. You go about the family business, saving people, hunting things.

Sometimes you can’t tell the difference.

You walk down the street next to your brother, your heart pounding in your chest and you try not to think about what could have been and what is, what choices led you here and him—not your brother, him—there, your two paths so diverged you’re not even on the same plane anymore, if he’s on a plane at all.

You don’t think about it.

You walk down the street with your brother, your shoes pounding on the pavement and you hear the sound of wings, but it is only pigeons rising from the fountain in the park you’re passing, nothing more holy than that.

It doesn’t get your hopes up. Your heart races because you’re startled, not because you expect to turn around and find him there, head tilted at a forty-five degree angle, eyes more blue than you can possibly remember as he says, familiar, Hello, Dean.

You used to think he was cold, but he wasn’t. He was warm, infusing those two words with something fond and big. Bigger than you could handle, than you were ready for.

You turn your back on the park and walk down the street with your brother. You pay no attention to the men on the corner in their dirty trench coats. They aren’t who you want them to be.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 12:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zatnikatel.livejournal.com
That was beautiful.

I miss Cas so damn much. ;_;

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you, bb.

I know, I do, too. :(

::hugs::

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 12:45 am (UTC)
trobadora: (Castiel - black wings)
From: [personal profile] trobadora
*sniffles*

This is lovely and haunting.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
::sends tissues::

Thank you. <3
Edited Date: 2011-12-04 01:12 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 12:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aerilex.livejournal.com
Oh, Cas. How we miss you.

This was gorgeous and heartbreaking and so very Dean. Kind of in tears over here.

<3!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, bb. ::sends tissues::

Thank you. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kiltyk.livejournal.com
This hurts so beautifully.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
The whole situation hurts.

Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cautionzombies.livejournal.com
This is really intricately amazing. I have a hard time believing it's only 500 words because of the way it made me feel. The second person is perfect here; it's not a direct address to "you," because Dean is the "you." It serves to bridge the closeness of first person and the distance of third while still being distant but somehow more direct. The prose here is perfect, and the sort of jumping around in thoughts we get from Dean is spectacular. I followed it completely and I was seriously engaged from beginning to end. It's heartbreaking, of course, and it hurts, but I loved it.

As far as pure writing goes, this may be one of the best I've ever seen from you. I also got a distinct White Noise feel from it, which really worked. And your details are really phenomenal. I think this is my favorite part (and the part that reminded me of DeLillo):

You drink until the world’s sharp edges are blunted and the level of caring you have is so near nil that you can go through the motions, get through the day, and even when your brother looks at you with wide, concerned eyes you just turn up the volume on your telenovela until the only language in your head is Spanish and everything else is background noise.

I can hear this, and feel it, and oh. Oh.

Excellent job.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
I...You...

You said that part reminded you of DeLillo. I don't even know what to say to that, but oh thank you.

I am thrilled that you liked it, bb. ♥♥♥
(deleted comment)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
I know, and I had to write it. :(

Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 04:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] triedunture.livejournal.com
Ouch. That was wonderful.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 05:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elvarya85.livejournal.com
Everything I read tonight is killing me. This was absolutely wonderful, though. The last line just...*cries softly*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh no! ::offers hugs and tissues::

Thank you so much, though.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 10:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ilfirin-estel.livejournal.com
This is absolutely stunning. I love the use of second person, and I especially love this paragraph:

There was no body. You don’t know if this is important, but you hold onto it. You hold on to the fact that no body means no wings and no wings means no scorch marks and no scorch marks means…well. It doesn’t bear thinking about, so you don’t. You drink until the world’s sharp edges are blunted and the level of caring you have is so near nil that you can go through the motions, get through the day, and even when your brother looks at you with wide, concerned eyes you just turn up the volume on your telenovela until the only language in your head is Spanish and everything else is background noise.

Oh, so beautiful, so hurt, so good.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] squilf.livejournal.com
BUCKET FOR MY CREYS ;_; LOVE THIS

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
:(

::sends tissues and hugs::

Thank you. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 07:53 pm (UTC)
ext_11786: (Default)
From: [identity profile] dotfic.livejournal.com
*sniffles* This is beautiful, and so so sad.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-11-30 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ale-minion.livejournal.com
This is really, really beautiful. I'm crying now, but I'm happy for that.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, I'm sorry. ::sends tissues::

Thank you, though. I'm happy you liked it. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-01 12:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tiptoe39.livejournal.com
oh, SOB.

You're so good with words, bb, it always leaves me breathless. This is stunning. <3

But now I need a hug.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
::hugs tight::

Thank you so much, bb. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-01 12:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kimberlelly.livejournal.com
This story.....beautiful isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. It's intimate and heartbreaking and wonderfully realistic, all at the same time.

And this last bit? You pay no attention to the men on the corner in their dirty trench coats. They aren’t who you want them to be. It made me hurt in the very best way. Again, beautiful writing.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh gosh, thank you. <3 I'm happy that you liked it.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-01 09:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] iheartjhnmyr.livejournal.com
Oh god... You've done it again. There are no words to describe my love for this fic (and for your work in general.)
Really loved this. Gorgeous fic. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 02:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you so much. <3 I'm really happy that you liked it.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-01 04:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rock-chick-333.livejournal.com
Ow. Owowowow. I need a teddy bear. Or a cuddle.

That's a helluva half-k fic, hun. Beautiful work!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
::sends teddy bear and a cuddle:: <3

Thank you. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-02 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparseparsley.livejournal.com
Dammit, my bottom lip won't stop doing that shaky, wibbly, about to cry thing.

That was pretty fucking amazing.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-04 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, bb. <3

Thank you so much.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-19 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] electricskeptic.livejournal.com
Congrats! You have been recced here (http://rec-hymenated.livejournal.com/153123.html) at [livejournal.com profile] rec_hymenated.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-01-10 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for the rec and your lovely words. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-19 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murf1307.livejournal.com
Oh, gods, that was beautiful and emotionally painful. We're all waiting for the Show to fix this, aren't we?

In the meantime, fics like this make it worth it.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-07 02:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
In the meantime, fics like this make it worth it.

That's incredibly wonderful of you to say. Thank you so much. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-19 11:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] earthseed-fic.livejournal.com
I'm *heartbroken* after reading this. *sniffs*

Dean's grief and regret is so *present* here. I loved this.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-07 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
I'm so happy that you liked it. I really felt like trying something different, and I'm pleased that it worked for you. Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-20 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dark-cygnet.livejournal.com
The hell? Hey, are you and your fandom wife sneaking fic onto the internet without me knowing about it?!? I missed both your fic and hers too! I hope I don't run across anymore fic because I can't cry anymore. But I still love you both and your fics. even if my eyeballs feel like they are going to fall out of my head and my nose is all red like Rudolf, with no Hermie to make it all better and the salt deposits on my clothes are so hard to get out...dammit, there I go again. Sneef

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-07 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
Oh, I'm so sorry about the crying, bb! ::sends tissues::

I'm happy that you liked it, though. Thank you. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-22 04:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elfladyarwen.livejournal.com
*sighs morosely* I think I'm more upset that I can't hold a candle to your writing, then I am about the content of this tiny gem. I'm wallowing in both shame and angst. Wallowing, I tell you.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-07 03:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
I'm sure that's not the case at all, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2012-02-11 12:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rumi-nyo.livejournal.com
Oh the pain! T_T So beautifully written I am in tears. Thank you for sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-03-27 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annundriel.livejournal.com
And thank you for reading and commenting. It feels weird to say I'm happy it worked for you while you're in tears, but...I'm happy that it worked for you. <3

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